Boy, oh, boy..

Today is my wedding day. But, I’m not getting married.

Dramatic opener, eh?

Well, it was the date myself and my ex chose as our original wedding day. It would’ve been postponed due to his Master’s study and workload steadily increasing, but I thought what better day than today to talk about my rollercoaster of a dating life over the last 7 months. What can I say, I like to mark an occasion.

I’ve had strong connections with a few guys since I started my dating life at the end of last summer. One with a younger, free spirited, opinionated, creative, another with a strong-willed, quick-witted, passionate guy and another with a super chill, caring, intellectual. Each with their own lovely quirks, but all three with the same issue for me.. They weren’t ready for a relationship.

What I’m about to say on the matter isn’t me slating these guys personally for not being ready, as they had all told me variations of the “Not sure what I want” line in the beginning, but more of an insight into this type of situation and what I’ve learned about myself and guys in general throughout. However, in my opinion, they each handled the situations badly.

My honest gut feelings on it are: Fuck you guys. Whether you knew what you wanted or not, I was open and honest about what I wanted from the get-go, so knowing that, you shouldn’t have carried on seeing me if you weren’t sure where it would go and that it would probably lead to hurt.

But, I also carried on seeing them knowing they weren’t sure too.. And that’s the frustrating part. You can be angry at the guy for making you feel duped or easily discarded, but in reality, I’m more annoyed with myself. I should’ve known better. Especially after the first guy and yet, I got into two other similar situations, didn’t I? Stickler for punishment, me.

I’ve always liked a project. Not trying to reduce men down to a piece of work (although, hey, amiright?), it’s just something I know about myself. I’ve only had the one truly magical, mutual, easy breezy relationship, so when that didn’t happen again immediately (expectation vs reality, bite me) I thought “Ok, this is probably a fluke. I’ll find that same magical feeling with someone else on the double”. Except, not with people who aren’t “ready” Vic. After the year I had, I thought I had a good idea of what not to do. Clearly not, but that’s also down to my hopeful spirit.. So, I’ve realised that most of the time, relationships are a piece of work and now I’m ok with that.

I will admit now, I probably started dating too soon after the ending of such an important/pivotal relationship, but I felt at the time that it would either be exactly what I needed or it would make me realise I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for a long time and then out of the blue, I was. That’s why the ending of that first foray into something more substantial hurt so much. I had opened up again and they fucked me over, damnit! But, I was glad to know my heart still worked, that it wasn’t too bruised like I had worried it was and that I was incredibly impressed with my resilience. The feelings were all there and the people were great, truly, but I knew that they were unsure of what they wanted and that it would inevitably end not long after it started and I won’t say that I didn’t care. I just had hope. Some may call it stupidity, some naivety and to some extent I would agree with those beliefs. But, I’ll never give up hope, however stupid I might look.

One of the guys in question called me a “hopeless romantic”, but dya know what? Fuck that. I’m a hopeFUL romantic. It’s exactly what it says on the tin really – Love is out there, but you’ve got to grab it by the cojones. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies, but it can be pretty goddamn magical sometimes and while you’re optimistic, the hard work that must go into relationships at times doesn’t scare you. That’s me and I’ll never apologise for being this way.

Part deux coming up in the next few days all about the funnier side to this dating journey.. Do come back and laugh at my expense, won’t you?

Also, this article is great – Hopeful Romantic – Tabitha Blaisdell

Be well, lovelies xo

Oh hi, didn’t see you there..

Aaand she’s back!

Let’s catch up, shall we?

The last 10 months have been all about Me; Working with my herbalist to heal my gut and become healthier, diving deep to learn more about who I really am, what I want & don’t want, becoming truly comfortable with and content in myself, accepting and loving the slower pace of life I’ve chosen to live and being “Positively Selfish” (Wish I could remember where I first read about this mindset, oops!).

Back in May last year (My last post was actually written just a week after this happened, but it was too fresh to write about) my relationship (and subsequent engagement) ended. Things hadn’t been good for a while, but the break up came as a horrible shock. I’m not the type to gossip, but I was treated badly and that was more shocking than the break up itself.

Pain, confusion and anger ensued throughout June and July. The things he told me made me feel incredibly bad about myself and for a while, I believed I was to blame for most of the issues, when that simply just wasn’t the case. I’ll admit, there was some truth in certain topics (My illness was “all I talked about” and I was “under-stimulating” – Yeah, that’d be the illness!), but on a whole, WE had issues.

The main one being COMMUNICATION.

Going forward in my love life, that is fucking key!

I would never want him to think that breaking up with me has helped me get to where I am today, he does not get credit for that. But, in a way, the unnecessary things he said and how he allowed everything to unfold (a person I respected, saw as an equal and who was my best friend) did set in motion this “journey” (Barf) that I’ve been on.

I ADORE MYSELF. I’ve honestly never been more content, y’all.

I also didn’t want this post to focus on this event, but it did kick-start my love affair with myself, so I wanted to share. I want this post to be a beacon for others going through an ending, whether it’s a relationship or a friendship, that you most certainly fucking can get through it and come out the other side of it stronger, more resilient and more kick ass than you ever thought possible. People unfortunately (sometimes fortunately) come and go, life will throw steaming piles of shit in your face from time to time, you’ll have days where you don’t want to move and days when you’ll want to murder someone (try not to go through with this one), but try to remember…

Today is temporary.

Take a few deep breaths, scream into a pillow, write it all out and never let go of the fact that you are whole just as you are. Sure you were before you met them!

Update on my lovely gut issues soon.. Same Bat time, same Bat place.

xo

 

Well, would you lookit who it is…

Ah hiya.

So, I fell off the blogging band wagon pretty swiftly like I kinda knew I would.. But, I’m back and more determined than ever to keep this baby afloat.

A lot has happened over the last year; some magical, some fucking horrendous.. I got engaged just over a year ago and life just felt lovely. But, with all the stress I endured in the years prior with my personal injury case and the injuries themselves, a whole heap of self-made pressure, going away a lot (I have crazy wanderlust, but holiday anxiety. FML), searching for a new pad for myself and himself, trying to move out.. I crashed and Hard.

I can honestly say, it was the scariest time in my life. I want what I write to help people, even if it just touches one soul, so I don’t mind sharing – I had a meltdown and was practically bed ridden for 2 weeks. We didn’t move out and the resulting guilt I felt over that plagued me for months, so much so that I kind of lost myself for a while. Not to mention my stomach issues (see previous sexy post about IBS) becoming pretty awful and serious over the last 4-5 months (I’ll go into that soon). I just coasted through life for a bit, pretending it was helping, until it all became too much.

I changed GP’s as my previous one kept fobbing me off with “just IBS” and have sought the help of a Naturopath to heal my crappy gut. I let the emotional/mental side take a back seat, but consciously, as I just didn’t have the money to sort the two out simultaneously and felt that a lot of my health anxiety issues would be somewhat eased by a healthier gut. It’s been a really tough, trying few months and there’s some form of challenge or struggle pretty much every day, but at least I’m trying, I’m helping myself.

I may not be loving every aspect of my life lately, I’ve been dealt some really shitty cards, but that doesn’t mean I’m a pessimist, that I don’t have good or amazing moments and that it’s all I think about. I would like to point out here though, that if it was all I thought about, if it’s all you think about, that does not make you any less worthy or any less magical. It does not define you.

I came into this year with the intention of taking care of myself and I feel I’m doing just that. To some it may look like I’m doing a whole lot of nothin’ and to be honest, at times it really has been just that; when you get so overwhelmed with all the shitty stuff that’s thrown at you and you just sort of shut down temporarily. But, if it feels right in the moment, then fuck it.

I’ve a heap of stuff to chat about, but it’s 1am and my eyeballs feel like I poured a bucket of sand into them.

Summing it all up – Pretty fucking rough year, but with sprinkles of pure magic and a dash of enlightenment here and there (even in the darkest times).

Be well, lovelies xo

 

Ohhh, IBS. You cruel mistress.

ibs-irritable-bowel-syndrome

Yep, that’s right. We’re talking about it. My colon, and yours too if you’re lucky!

I’ve been dealing with it for as long as I can remember, but it wasn’t until my early teens that we realised what it was – The cramps, the running to the loo, the sweats, the constipation (Oh yes, you can have both!), it “runs” in the family, soz. Before that we thought I was just sick a lot or that my nerves were to blame (totally legit thought though, especially since they can go hand in hand with IBS, but that’s another story for another time).

It really is “irritable” though.. I can and have gone for major long periods of time without a hint of IBS, or just a few “moments” as I call them here and there. It was always bad in school and college with the stress of it all, then going on holidays (change of routine), performing (used to act & sing), that kinda thing. But over the last few years it’s miraculously fucked off and I thought nothing of it until Hey Presto! It came back with a fiery (ahem) vengeance over the last month or so and I’ll admit, it’s been disheartening..

Now, I have gone through a rather stress-inducing period over the last 6 months with my injury case coming to an end (more on that later), having to go to court, seriously struggling with money and having loans hang over my head etc etc, so I’m not completely surprised that it’s reared (too easy) its ugly head again, but like, FUCK OFFFFF! I have so much to dooo and exciting holidays to go onnn, I don’t want to deal with this shit!

For any of you that’s unfamiliar with IBS – Irritable Bowel Syndrome, so gorge. Here’s the lowdown..

“Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is a common disorder that affects the large intestine. Signs and symptoms include cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, and diarrhea or constipation, or both. IBS is a chronic condition that you’ll need to manage long term.” – mayoclinic.org

Fuck, sounds delish when you say it like that! It’s not, it sucks and I feel for anyone struggling with it. But, you’re not aloooone! Around 3 million people in the US visit their GP annually with symptoms of IBS. It’s also the most common, functional gastroinstestinal in the world, joy. There’s things that one can do to help the situation

  • Dietary Changes
  • Stress Management
  • Medication
  • Hypnotherapy ( More on this later also!)   – aboutibs.org

I guess I feel the need to talk about it, cos’ not a lot of people do, but a lot suffer with it. Whether they know what it is or not. But seriously? It’s so normal! We all have gas, we all get cramps, we all poo! (Sorry lads, it’s true!) So, why not talk about it? A problem shared is a problem halved. If you do think you have it or want to know more about how to deal with it, definitely visit your GP first and foremost.

Hope I haven’t scarred anyone or scared you off for life, but really, this is only the beginning of the can of worms I’ll be opening on numerous topics – Most of them totally “normal”, but generally seen as gross, weird or just plain gas.

Enjoy!

IBS – irishhealth.com

*Image courtesy of www.health.harvard.edu

 

 

Here we go..

I’ve literally been told so many times to either do stand up or start a blog, but I’d defo crap myself with the former, so yeah, the latter it is!

Introductions – I’ve had a bit of a mad few years. I annihilated myself just over 3 years ago when I slipped and fell so very gracefully on wet flooring in (let me try describe this establishment without naming and shaming) a large, annoyingly popular, anxiety-inducing, indoor/outdoor shopping centre in South Dublin. I know you know the one. Since then, I’ve been dealing with daily pain and discomfort, bouts of depression and anxiety, being on the delightful Dole and borrowing a shit tonne of money from my fam.

It included a lot of this.. (This is waiting)
Ahh, there she is (post-op)
And some of this.. (Surgery, not being topless)

But alas, it’s not been all bad lads! I also met the love of my life(Check new post for update) nearly 2 years ago, I’ve recently come into some money – my personal injury case fiiiinally being settled!

I’ve made amazing plans, booked incredible holliers and at last have the money and energy to start getting my shit together! Hence this blog.

Follow along if so inclined. It’ll be me shite-ing on about my life – ups and downs, trials and tribulations, diary entries (these are truly scintillating!), hollier snaps, good times etc.

 

Thanks for reading y’all! Until we meet again x